Knocked Up/Knocked Down?

Yup. It's official.

I'm pregnant.

And I started a blog.

So that makes me the newest mommy-blogger on the block. I guess.

It's weird, knowing I'm pregnant. And aside from the Hubs and my best friend, NO ONE knows yet (not even my own mother!). I'm waiting until I can go and see the baby's heartbeat for the first time in an ultrasound. I'm only six weeks, so it really is still too soon to announce things. But I can tell you, dear internet. Don't you feel special? You know a secret about me even my own mother doesn't even know.

I'm also hoping that seeing that little cluster of cells for the first time will help make it more, well, real. Right now, it doesn't seem real to me. I took a test, I got two lines. So that makes me pregnant.

And so far, things are, well completely uneventful, and pregnancy is just a big list of things I'm NOT ALLOWED TO DO. No Alcohol, No cigarettes - okay I get these. I do. And you may say what you will about smoking. You can rattle off all the bad statistics you can think of - the cancer, the heart disease, the wrinkles, the sixty million chemicals in every puff - I'm aware of them all, but it doesn't change the fact that I love to smoke. There's something about the actual process of lighting a cigarette....*sigh* I don't care how politically incorrect it is, I love to smoke. I'm not ashamed to say it. I miss smoking.

But I gave up both.

Let's see, where was I? Oh yeah - more stuff I can't do: no caffeine (goodbye morning coffee! Goodbye Diet Dr. Pepper!), no Advil. No allergy medication (oh, but I can have Sudafed. Which doesn't work.). Can't dye my hair. Can't get my nails done. I can't eat soft cheese? What the hell is that about?

I could go on with the list of no-no's I've read, but frankly, it's depressing me. Just know there are more. Many, many, many more.

I don't want to sound like I'm not excited. Because I am. But I've got a lot of other emotions right now that I really need to sort through...

I'm apprehensive as all hell...fear of the unknown and all that. I'm worried I won't be a good mother. I'm worried that we won't be able to properly afford this baby. I want my child to be able to have the life s/he wants, and I want to be able to take vacations and provide lessons and college tuition and all that, but hell - I just want to make sure that I can afford good food, and the mortgage and clothes and shoes and child care (because becoming a SAHM is not looking promising for me). So yeah, I'm apprehensive.

I'm wary. I love the Hubs a lot. He's a wonderful guy, but I just don't know how, well, involved he's going to be as a parent. I'm worried that the brunt of the child care is going to fall on me. Which would be fine if I didn't have to work full time, too. I just don't see him being so willing to be a grown up and make the necessary sacrifices to be an involved parent.

And, as selfish as this sounds, I'm grieving. I'm grieving for the me-centric, child-free existence I know I'm giving up. I'm grieving for the weekends away, the late nights followed by the mornings of sleeping in, for just vegging out on the couch, making dinner whenever I damn well please. I'm grieving for the impromptu shopping trips and all the things I've grown accustomed to doing. I know that in a year, I'll look back on this and probably laugh at how silly and immature I sound, but it's true. One chapter of my life is beginning, but it's beginning at the expense of one ending.

I feel like such a bad person for having just admitted all of this. But it's been in my head and it feels good to just get it out there. I'm hoping that now that it's out there, it'll start to fade away.

To any other mommies out there - am I alone in these feelings? Any words of encouragement or wisdom are welcome!