The One Right Answer

So, once upon a time, there was this cat. And the cat lived happily in a bag. Until one day, that cat got out of his bag, spied his opening and started running.

Last time I saw him, that cat's was merging onto an eight-lane superhighway, in the H.O.V. lane at about 90 mph.

Yes, the secret's out, and word spread about that fast. Pretty much the entire world knows I'm pregnant now. Which is nice, because I don't have to make excuses about being crabby, or why I'm not drinking, or anything like that. And to be fair, The Hubs and I are incredibly lucky to be blessed with family and friends who are supportive of us, and therefore are thrilled by the big news.

Honestly, I think I'll be more thrilled when I feel better. Right now, this whole pregnancy thing can kiss my ass. I feel lousy all day long - at times I wish I WOULD throw up - I think I'd feel better than I do now, just dragging with this all-day gaggy, urpy feeling. And I'm tired. Bone-crushing tired, which I hate. I HATE being the girl who is too tired to go do something, because it's not who I am. And crabby? I have the patience of a fruit fly, and I keep trying to explain to people that I'd really rather be left alone. I don't think this is a difficult request, nor do I think it's easily confuse-able with "let me get in your face, fuss all over you and ask you 9,000 more questions."

And THEN I feel like a horrible ingrate, because they're just being nice, and I shouldn't be so crabby towards people who are just being nice, right?

Anyway, now that this cat's out of the bag and off on the superhighway somewhere, I've learned a few things:

1. EVERYONE has a pregnancy story. And they can't WAIT to share it with you.
2. EVERYONE swears that I will suddenly wake up one day and just "looove being pregnant!"
3. No matter what you do, it's wrong.

Number three I find the worst of all the offenses. Allow me to count the ways that I've been told I'l be a less-than-stellar mom:

1. How many kids we want. The fact that The Hubs and I only want one child. It's something we've been in agreement with for years. I grew up an only child, and LOVED being an only. I like to think I turned out okay, so I'm a little bitter when people tell me it could/will "ruin" my baby. Look, I would never, EVER judge anyone for their decision to have and raise babies. One, two, five, or the Duggar family - it's an intensely personal decision, and it's for each individual family to decide what's best for them. Not anyone else -- well-intentioned relatives included.

2. Breast vs. bottle feeding. Ok, I've been on the Internet before. I know that this is one of the biggest hot-button topics on earth, and can incite fury in just about anyone, because feelings can run so strongly. I'd like to start again by saying, I would never, EVER judge anyone for their decision either way. I also realize that I'm 9 weeks pregnant and may in fact, change my mind. But if I'm being completely honest with myself (which I've forced myself to be), the harsh, ugly truth of the matter is that I don't want to breast feed. Despite everything I've read, the thought just honestly doesn't hold a lot of (you can read that as ANY) appeal to me. And I feel guilty about that, I think largely in part because of everything I've read. Is this totally bad? Am I selfish?

3. SAHM vs. Working Mom. Look, I would LOVE to be a SAHM, at least until the baby is old enough to go to kindergarten. I would. But let's be realistic. While The Hubs and I are in a decent place financially (we absolutely can't do everything we want, and some months it's really ugly, but all our basic needs are comfortably met), it's because we both work. I worry about having another little person to support. However, I'm also a realist - I refuse to work to pay for daycare. If it's going to be that much of my pay (I have no clue what childcare costs. None.), then I'll just stay home until I figure something else out (work part-time, find another job, etc.). Unless you're going to either foot my day-care bill, or supplement my living expenses so I can stay home, it's absolutely none of your business.

4. Natural Childbirth vs. Meds. To all the ladies out there who had natural, unassisted childbirths: My hat is off to you. You're all far stronger women than I could ever hope to be. Seriously? I know this is my first kid, but I am a sissy. I know this about myself. I want pain management.

5. Finding out the sex of the baby. Why wouldn't I take advantage of technology? If YOU don't want to know what I plan to do, then don't ask. And is it wrong already that when people ask me "do you want to find out what you're having?" and I say "yes, we'd like to find out the sex of the baby" (because I already "know what I'm having" - I'm having a BABY!), and their response is "why? Then there's no surprises left!" that I want to punch them? I managed thus far to smile politely and tell them, well, I'll just be surprised at the doctor's office, now, won't I?

The One (And Apparently Only) Question I Have Answered Correctly To Date:

Yes, I quit smoking.


Okay mommy-bloggers - am I being unreasonable? Excessively hormonal? Am I normal? How do I handle this? I have 31 more weeks to go, and I'm going to lose my mind if I don't get some serious "real world" advice!!

OMG!

Y'all are so sweet! Thanks, everyone. It not only made me feel better to say what I'd been thinking, but to know that I'm NOT alone in these thoughts means the world...It's enough to make my seven-weeks-pregnant, overly-hormonal, super-duper-emotional self burst into tears and cry!

I guess I didn't realize that it would hit me as hard as it did that EVERYTHING is going to change. I mean, of course I knew everything was going to change, but really? EVERYTHING?! But it's comforting beyond words to know I'm not the first woman to ever feel this way...it's been hard, keeping these feelings bottled up because one, we haven't told anyone about the pregnancy yet (it's still kind of early!) and two, everyone gets so excited over the baby, that they just assume I will be, too - and any feelings of apprehension or misgiving (I don't think that's the word I want, but I'm going to go with it for now), are simply never ever discussed, and I feel like if I mentioned them, I'd be looked at as some selfish, horrible, unfit mother-to-be...also enough to make my seven-weeks-pregnant, overly-hormonal, super-duper-emotional self burst into tears and cry! (are you sensing a pattern here?)

OMG - the emotions! I've been so cranky, and so weepy, it's like I don't even know who I am right now - it's crazy. Aside from that madness, symptom-wise, I am counting my blessings every hour on the hour, and have vowed to knock on every wooden surface I encounter from now until February. No morning sickness proper, if you will. By morning sickness, I mean that I've been lucky enough to avoid throwing up thus far. Woo hoo, right? Sure. Instead, I get stuck with the overwhelming feeling of nausea that just lasts all day long, and gets worse when I need to eat. I haven't had that super-sensitivity to smells that everyone swears happens when you're pregnant. Damn have I been tired, though. I'm campaigning for siesta to be incorporated into our work days (and not winning).

While I'm at it, no real food aversions, either. I've noticed that I don't love coffee as much as I used to...I don't know if that's because it's decaf, or if it's because I'm pregnant, and there are two foods that make me really happy: Cheese, and cheeseburgers. By cheese, I mean string cheese, or dear God, Sargento makes handy snack sized sticks of cheddar. And by cheeseburger, I mean a whopper. Not something I could make at home using fine quality ground beef - nope. I'll take something from the BK lounge, please. Oh, and fruit. Watermelon and grapes are absolutely fantastical.

The cookouts over the holiday weekend were interesting - I just kept telling people I was getting over a sinus infection and on an antibiotic, therefore I couldn't have a cocktail. It wasn't a total lie - I DID have a sinus infection, and I WAS on an antibiotic...But I still felt like a big fibber. The Hubs was kind enough to buy me some N/A beer over the weekend, so I could at least pretend like I was relaxing with a cold one....

In a nutshell, I've decided that the baby part is awesome, but the pregnancy part kind of sucks. It could be a long 33 weeks if I don't get my attitude straightened out...

Knocked Up/Knocked Down?

Yup. It's official.

I'm pregnant.

And I started a blog.

So that makes me the newest mommy-blogger on the block. I guess.

It's weird, knowing I'm pregnant. And aside from the Hubs and my best friend, NO ONE knows yet (not even my own mother!). I'm waiting until I can go and see the baby's heartbeat for the first time in an ultrasound. I'm only six weeks, so it really is still too soon to announce things. But I can tell you, dear internet. Don't you feel special? You know a secret about me even my own mother doesn't even know.

I'm also hoping that seeing that little cluster of cells for the first time will help make it more, well, real. Right now, it doesn't seem real to me. I took a test, I got two lines. So that makes me pregnant.

And so far, things are, well completely uneventful, and pregnancy is just a big list of things I'm NOT ALLOWED TO DO. No Alcohol, No cigarettes - okay I get these. I do. And you may say what you will about smoking. You can rattle off all the bad statistics you can think of - the cancer, the heart disease, the wrinkles, the sixty million chemicals in every puff - I'm aware of them all, but it doesn't change the fact that I love to smoke. There's something about the actual process of lighting a cigarette....*sigh* I don't care how politically incorrect it is, I love to smoke. I'm not ashamed to say it. I miss smoking.

But I gave up both.

Let's see, where was I? Oh yeah - more stuff I can't do: no caffeine (goodbye morning coffee! Goodbye Diet Dr. Pepper!), no Advil. No allergy medication (oh, but I can have Sudafed. Which doesn't work.). Can't dye my hair. Can't get my nails done. I can't eat soft cheese? What the hell is that about?

I could go on with the list of no-no's I've read, but frankly, it's depressing me. Just know there are more. Many, many, many more.

I don't want to sound like I'm not excited. Because I am. But I've got a lot of other emotions right now that I really need to sort through...

I'm apprehensive as all hell...fear of the unknown and all that. I'm worried I won't be a good mother. I'm worried that we won't be able to properly afford this baby. I want my child to be able to have the life s/he wants, and I want to be able to take vacations and provide lessons and college tuition and all that, but hell - I just want to make sure that I can afford good food, and the mortgage and clothes and shoes and child care (because becoming a SAHM is not looking promising for me). So yeah, I'm apprehensive.

I'm wary. I love the Hubs a lot. He's a wonderful guy, but I just don't know how, well, involved he's going to be as a parent. I'm worried that the brunt of the child care is going to fall on me. Which would be fine if I didn't have to work full time, too. I just don't see him being so willing to be a grown up and make the necessary sacrifices to be an involved parent.

And, as selfish as this sounds, I'm grieving. I'm grieving for the me-centric, child-free existence I know I'm giving up. I'm grieving for the weekends away, the late nights followed by the mornings of sleeping in, for just vegging out on the couch, making dinner whenever I damn well please. I'm grieving for the impromptu shopping trips and all the things I've grown accustomed to doing. I know that in a year, I'll look back on this and probably laugh at how silly and immature I sound, but it's true. One chapter of my life is beginning, but it's beginning at the expense of one ending.

I feel like such a bad person for having just admitted all of this. But it's been in my head and it feels good to just get it out there. I'm hoping that now that it's out there, it'll start to fade away.

To any other mommies out there - am I alone in these feelings? Any words of encouragement or wisdom are welcome!